It might have been me
by vanay
Summary: Rachel slowly comes to terms with her role in 'The break up'. Post S2.10.
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue **

**I do not own glee, all mistakes are my own**

Coming through those front doors brought shear fear into Rachel – tremor shook through her, she hadn't been deluded she knew that the day would come, and had endlessly attempted to convince herself that it would be ok, not perfect but for once she'd happily settle for just ok. The false sense of security would be ok for a while. It would block the truth out long enough to almost make her believe it, even hear that it would be ok. But then wham like a tonne of brick reality would strike and the realisation would hit home – nothing would be ok when he wasn't next to her – by her side. Words couldn't begin to describe how she felt when he was next to her – the feeling of being whole, complete and content all rolled into one in. The only feeling she lived with now was empty and painful.

People were rushing past, chattering and giggling about their wonderful break yet Rachel had remained still with already glazed eyes. Her break was simply awful. Instantly she felt the tears cornering her eyes desperately trying to escape with the vivid bitter sweet memories forming, so she'd quickly rolled her eyes around before deciding to bow her head and make her way to the locker.

She looked around to see smily faces, and wished she could be brave enough to even fake it, unwillingly having listened to the stories of joy and fun were over the break felt like a knife cutting through her. Her break had, for lack of better word - completely sucked. She'd_ literally_ shed a million lonesome tears. She'd cried so much she'd been sick on several occasions, and it continued all through the nights that had fast turned to mornings spreading throughout the bleak days and back though the nights once again, but the tears remained a constant refusing to stop, just like they were doing now despite the trying.

Rachel tried to give herself one of her famous prep talks to help her focus – the challenge being getting to her locker without collapsing drastically on the floor, although in the back of her mind that would be an epic way to return, today she reasoned, required her to maintain composure and remain as invisible as hurried walk to the locker been the hardest she experienced in a long time but now her world had become realistic once again she was coming to terms with the fact that her actions had ultimately led to these consequences. This was her own doing, she deserved it. She cheated on him. But nonetheless a small part of Rachel had somehow remained determined that they would get past this – it was just a bump in the road – a hiccup if it were. Her and Finn – they made sense! How could she not have acted out, she has wanted him so much, so badly that only _she _should have…and Satan had him first – and that hurt so much more. Him being Finn and Santana being the devil being she was, made no sense to her, it was insanely awful and frankly diabolical. Anyone else - was all she kept thinking, anyone else would have been better, just not her.

Eventually somehow her actions, her wanting him so badly had turned out to be their demise and he ran way, embraced his get out of jail free and fled for the hills, like she knew he would. That part broke her the most – she knew he would leave, just like everyone else did. _She pushed him away, no one else - simply her._ All the defences 'it's not just my fault' and rationalizing of her actions in her mind had somehow made her feel a little better, the attempts at reasoning it through had probably been the only way she remain partly sane throughout the winter break. She continued in thought and it had temporarily drawn her away from the unwanted attention she as receiving.

Her focus had completely gone but soon enough reality snapped back and the blatant stares and the obvious whispering had quickly emphasized the fact the recent split with the star quarterback had spread like wildfire. She'd promised to bring Jewfro and that vulgar blog down if that was the last thing she did, but that was work to be done on another day. She reminded herself that regardless of all the drama all of this was just a temporary glitch in their truly epic love story.

She reached her her goal without any major scenes or melodramatic moments and began opening her locker, not quite focusing on the shadow that appeared next to her. In the back of her mind Rachel needed no affirmation as to who it was no matter how many times she tried to deny that this situation would occur, it had to eventually happen. She had turned her curious eyes and dared to look up, and what she saw was nothing short of nauseating. He looked the same from the outside, the same old gorgeous Finn not really concentrating on what was going on around him going about in his unique way, but when he turned and focused on her his eyes grew cold, his fists were clutched with anger, and the famous lopsided grin was now a hardened smirk. He looked so angry and hurt, and it was her fault. She tried to talk but stuttered and hurried away not bring able to maintain the awkward stance surrounding them. Rachel turned and attempted to start

"Finn..I.."

"Save it Rachel, for someone who wants to hear it." He had practically all but spat the words venomously at her and sourly focused his gaze into the distance. "I'm sure you'll find a suitor."

He slammed his locker and stormed off into the filled corridors.

Rachel turned to see the victim of his glare to find it Noah. He nodded in her direction but kept the distance, before leaving her alone once again with her contradicting thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own glee – all mistakes are my own.

Thank you so much for the kind reviews.

Oblivion:

The week continued on as if hell were caving in on Rachel. The sheer laughter from the other students continued, the painfully cold slushies' returned as did the emptiness and loneliness. The show face she'd become an expert at presenting had gradually worn thin, and it became increasingly difficult to maintain as the days progress. Then when the battles seemed to be ending the god awful comments started and were spat at her constantly and as much as she hated to admit it they tore straight through her. Santana was the usual perpetrator and had made it her mission to increase the level of tormenting she insisted on throwing to an all-time high. Rachel nevertheless continued on trying to ignore her, especially as Satan always managed to make her grind her pearly whites to shreds. The spiteful cow had really affected her with one particular statement; the flashback vividly replayed her horrid words:

"_You think you're so great don't you hobbit? Well let me tell you a little secret shall I – Finn and I we're endgame. He loves getting himself a real woman to get all over his shiz, so why don't you hop along back to the big black hole you came from? P.s him and I are going to get ourselves some action tonight – will give you the details tomorrow, every single one of them.'_

Those few harsh words had shaken Rachel so badly she had to dash to the toilets to unload the contents of her stomach in a violent manner. That girl was certainly rotten to the core and nothing but vile judgements left her injected lips. Rachel had become nauseous once again with the scene unfolding in her mind for the thousandth time, but the pinch she felt quickly left and the knot in her stomach relaxed slightly.

She'd gone home the first two evenings after school feeling thoroughly depressed with memories of that confrontation imbedded in her mind. Her appetite had slowly faded as she felt sick half the time and the rest of time she'd spent throwing the little food consumed back up. Her complex had suffered dearly and her eyes were glazed and red rimmed. The image she'd faced in the mirror was nothing short of a mess barely keeping it together. The attacks and appetite loss had already weakened her, the fatigue on top meant she would barely function. How was she meant to function with the unadulterated thoughts of Finn and the school bus getting together - she'd surely die completely or if she wasn't going to literally die, she was definitely not prepared to stick around to see it happen. Rachel laughed at how the situation might have seemed to an outsider, her crazy thoughts seemed extreme even for her, however she still liked the idea of dying for love the way that Romeo and Juliet. She felt they related to her situation except Rachel and Finn were the newer and more current version of what were Romeo and Juliet had been, two worlds colliding together. It was after all, an epic love story. Naturally she and Finn had a certain edge that might have made their story somewhat more compelling than her comparisons, not half as cliché in her opinion. She had smiled slightly at her conclusion before giving into her sleep deprived exhausted self.

She'd gone back to school the next day desperately avoiding Santana as she no longer had the ability to deal with her or the strength required, and when Rachel wasn't trying to escape the grasp of school whore she'd been attempting to do the same with Finn. It was easier that way – he got his much desired space and she had no more awkward encounters, although deep down she missed him badly, physically ached for him – and hoped somewhere in his heart he felt the might have been having similar feelings.

The ignoring him tactic had worked for the best part of the week, but unfortunately there were rare occasions that meant the two crossed paths and there was no describing how it felt - the eggshells she'd been walking on had quickly developed into knives. The encounters were dire and raw and they'd steer right through her. The knowing eyes that glared at her had stated a thousand things, acknowledging that whatever this atmosphere between them was – it would definitely not be at kept at bay for the considerable future_. _

_Rachel still couldn't understand why she was the one carrying the burden – he didn't have the nerve to admit to his virginity or lack of to her, knowing exactly how much she valued it. Why was the ultimate demise of their relationship solely her responsibility? Finn played a part too! Sure she'd made mistakes but she's seen the errors of her ways. She did it for love - why had he persisted on making her feel so awful?_

Glee had quickly come around and whilst it was normally the best part of her day it had rapidly become the worst part. Finn firstly hadn't tried at all to hide the disgust and anger he was experiencing, and when Puck had decided to touch her compassionately on the shoulder and sit down next to her the atmosphere thicken and had almost become unbearable. Rachel even considered getting up and moving seats because the animosity had made it too difficult for her to concentrate on anything Mr Schue was saying. She had eventually decided to stay put, although sitting next to Puck wasn't ideal, he was the only person she had supporting her at the time, and she felt particularly uneasy that day, but shook the feeling away she'd put it down to a virus. The whole week she'd felt odd, but everything had been so much harder, so instead of letting the funny feeling defeat her Rachel increased her vitamin intake in the hope that the feeling would subside. She became lost in thought miles away when Mr Schue proposed;

"Rachel – how'd do you like to sing a solo – today it can be about anything you want it to be so show us what you got'.

Rachel suddenly felt dizziness pass through her and the spasms jolted her. She suppressed the oddity as nothing and shook it off once again before she responded,

"Thanks Mr Schue, and as much as you guys are probably missing my trained and perfect vocal range and its likely your experiencing withdrawal symptoms, I'm going to decline on this occasion. "

Her fellow glee clubbers had looked rather perplexed as her statement, with mouths wide open and curious eyes. Rachel didn't care, all she wanted at that moment was to regain control of her current situation.

Her body had consequently begun to tremor in a violent manner. The feeling had refused to subside and It had become increasingly more difficult to even remain upright. She gripped the side of the chair with all the strength she possessed, determined this would pass.

She heard Quinn mimicking her in the background "Hey I'm Rachel Berry, did I tell you that the world revolves around me me oh and let me guess - me!"

Rachel began to roll her eyes, trying to ignore her hurtful comments and focused her concentrated on her breathing, it had become more shallow and harder to inhale and exhale.

Santana had then proceeded to comment back "Manhands, your full of it – I got news for you - we don't want to here, so shutting that overactive trap of yours would be fabulous. I propose doing us all a favour and making it a more permanent one."

Mercedes, Mike and Artie all laughed along whilst Tina had given her a sympathetic in her direction.

"You guys! I think that was a low blow" Tina stated in a disapproving tone.

The sweat had begun to bead off of Rachel's forehead and her body temperature had begun to increase to a soaring high, although she'd managed to note the fact Tina had stood up for her and would remind herself to later express her gratitude. The feeling developed into a treacherous pain, she'd wanted to get up and leave the choir room but it had begun to spin around her and she'd realised she was beyond that point of return. She then heard the voice she'd dreaded the most.

"She deserves all the shit she gets!" Finn started growling and made other snide comments.

Rachel needed air desperately and managed to gather some strength to get up and started her attempted speech "Mr Sh…Shue I..I"

She felt her legs buckle beneath her but she couldn't stop the repercussions of hitting the choir room floor. She had no control although she heard the panicking surrounding her and the crying out of her name, she struggled to get the words out whilst her mind had begun to shut down. She collapsed onto the floor and felt herself fade into the darkness.

_She wasn't quite sure where she was – she couldn't hardly anything, but she was almost certain she was still out cold to the world. There was one clear thing she could not deny seeing in her mind and that had been the face she loved the most. Finn felt so close to her, his image had been so vivid she could almost touch it. The face looked hurt and angry, and cold. She had wanted to stroke that beautiful face – make it all go away. He was her world and she let something that might well have hurt her a hell of a lot lot but she could have made it through if she'd let herself, ruin being a part of something so special so unique and pure. It was her actions that had made this, it wasn't what he did, there was no use blaming him. There were no more excuses left to justify that what she had done, and ultimately it didn't just lead to the breakdown of their relationship. That fact she could have lived with eventually but she'd then realised what she couldn't deal with was being the one that had made him this miserable. She had to fix this. Rachel promised herself if she'd got through this oblivion she was in she'd make it clear to him, she had to make it known to him how truly sorry she was. He still deserved happiness. _

With that thought her mind gave up and completely shut down.


End file.
